“Solomon, why can’t I find a guy like you?”

“Well why not me instead of guy like me?”

“Oh Solomon I would never date you, it would be like dating my brother, father, uncle, cousin, insert more terms here.”

When I was in my twenties I once thought it should be legal for men and women to kill each other over this conversation.

I’ve a know a few women who have gotten this treatment from men. I have known a few lesbians who got this treatment from other women and a few gay men who got this treatment from other men.

By the time I was 30 I would hear that question and instead of asking why not me, I would reply “You silly bitch they only make guys like me for women to be friends with.”

It was worse after finding out what I am. Before realizing I’m a soul sucking vampire I could pretend I didn’t know all the things I just seemed to know without them ever having to say a word.

The worst was is when I know they’re fantasizing about me as I am some fuck toy to play with in their heads that they have no intention of actually sleeping with. I’ve had moments where I’m sitting alone and all of a sudden I get a raging hard on and some thoughts of someone I was not even thinking about at the time.

It was weird to be sitting in a room full of guys on a Sunday watching American Football and all of a sudden I got hard as rock and I’m comfortably straight. There have been times I have said to an empty room “I’m not a fuck toy, I’m a real boy.”

I should probably clean the language up for the book, but in this journal, fuck it. I’m getting some shit out.

It’s a damn good thing no one is ever going to read these journals.

Now to get myself back on topic. The women I loved who rejected me. Far too often they were my best friends and I fell in love with them over the course of years and even now as I look back it’s difficult not feel that way one more time.

I took care of these women and often I took better care of them then they did of themselves, or at least I tried. I had to learn the hard way you can’t save someone from themselves.

It only took a few decades. It was worse after I found out about me being a vampire. I would try to bleed the bad behavior out of them and see if I could take the parts of their souls that were infected and make them well.

All I ended up doing was taking on some very bad habits for a while as I digested what I had eaten from their souls. Digested really isn’t the right word, it’s more of a process of working their soul bits through my system and often working out that behavior attached to that bit of their soul.

If I’m going to write this book I need to get into the dirty details of who, when, where, why, and how.

Solomon James why do you keep falling in love with women who reject you?

Fuck if I know.

500 years old and last month I got my heart broken again by a woman I’ve been friends with for the last 2 years. I would think after 5 centuries I would stop this foolishness. I guess that really old song was right, only fools fall in love.

Apparently this old vampire is not learning any new tricks.

Where did this madness start?

That’s right Lisa. I’d known Lisa since we were 8 and we were in the same Saturday morning bowling league as kids. We went to school together in middle school and in high school. I watched Lisa get her heart broke time after time and ever time was the shoulder she cried on.

I’m not sure I’m ready right now to get into these details. I think about Lisa and it starts to hurt even centuries later. She truly was the only one I ever really wanted and the rest were because I knew I would never have her.

Some years after she turned me down when  told her I was n love with her, I had an opportunity with her sister. I couldn’t do it to either of us. No one could ever replace Lisa in my heart and no other of ever touched my heart so deeply and completely. It’s rather fitting my shuffle just kicked on You Don’t Bring Me Flowers by Neil Diamond.. Only with Lisa I would need to change the flowers to weed.

She ended up growing weed until the day she died. Even n the decades that followed when we would get together she brought the weed and we would often we would head out to the park to smoke it. It was as if high school never ended and I was an eternal teenager when I was around Lisa. She brought out this side of me so very few ever have seen. I was care free and as sarcastic as sarcastic gets knowing she would be able to handle the jokes.

The part I hate to admit is that it was nothing more then my reflection of her as I fed on her in those moments. I loved who I was as much as I loved her when we were together. That was the one thing that really created doubt for me in learning about myself and the vampire I am.

Did I ever really show anyone who I am or am I nothing more than their reflection in order to feed on them?

Never trust a smoking mirror. Sharing a smoke with me is asking me to feed on your soul. No matter who it is I instantly mirror them perfectly in a way that creates this outer shell that looks and talks human and even feels human, however behind the mirror is an empty void that only knows one thing, endless hunger.

I eat to live like any other creature on Earth. When I was in my 30’s and realized what I was I felt a terrible guilt over it and often felt as if I had no soul of my own so I fed on other souls just to feel alive like they do. If I have no other to draw from I am no more than an empty vessel.

I do have emotions of my own however they seem so small and insignificant to what I feed on in the parts of their souls I take. It’s rare any more that anything stirs up my own emotions other than falling love. It seems to be the only thing that lets me feel alive.

It’s been quite some time since I thought about this. I made peace with it over 400 years ago.

When we make peace with the past it can no longer hurt us. It can no longer excite us either.

If I’m gong do this, I need to do it right and reconnect with the past as if it is now.

Maybe it’s time I relive the details of what happened between Lisa and I.

If I’m going to do that, I need to set my dreamscape to relive those years as I sleep.