Life before and after discovering the truth of my existence is like night and day.

The hardest thing  me to get over was morality.

I need a break from the romance and and I think tonight I go back to when I realized what I am and what I do.

I was in my 30’s and already had a son.

At the time I was married to Edith, my 3rd wife. I called her Eddy. If you can’t say something nice, make damn sure it’s true.

If Tina had been the first woman to abuse me, it was Eddy who abused me the most. In fact she had been the most controlling and heartless woman I had ever met. She was a pathological liar and the most judgmental woman I had ever met.

She would get upset every time I went out with my friends, though she could go out with her friends all the time and I had better not say a word about it.

Over time I heard from my friends less and less. I should’ve seen it as sign when none of my friends wanted to come to our wedding. After we got married shit got much worse and I started to piece a bunch of shit together about myself and my life.

It was the isolation that left me all the time I needed to realize she had been judging me and thought she was going to punish me for my life. It helped that she had a God Complex and thought she was the Chosen one.

I had never seen someone use spirituality as a way to reward themselves and punish others the way Eddy did.

Eddy would often refer to 3 fold law and as I started to pay attention, I noticed if she did anything for anyone else should do 3 times that for herself, and if anyone pissed her off she would would attempt to do 3 times the damage to them herself.

I had always been the forgiving sort. I let Karma handle all the bullshit people did to me over the years and have never sought vengeance as I felt it was beneath me.

I like to live at a higher vibration and to hold a grudge or seek vengeance is for the lower vibrating humans who often are worthless sacks of flesh with a soul so diseased it ain’t worth feeding on.

The sex was amazing and even more so after I discovered what I am and how to use it to make the sex that much better. I can amplify energy, any energy. During sex I can tune into the orgasmic energy and amplify it and feed it right back to a woman taking her to a point where she screams “I CAN’T STOP CUMMING!”

Eddy would scream that 90% of the time when we made love.

She was quite the freak. She was also the one who helped me piece together that a sexual assault survivor might replay the sex that was had that gave them the orgasm they didn’t want.

When she was 14 her brother raped her repeatedly calling her his toy. When I learned this it finally made sense why she liked being face down and would tell me she loved being my toy.

I should probably leave this whole thing out of the book. Even as I am reading this as I write it, I find it disturbing and I lived it. There was a lot that disturbed me about that marriage.

How does a soul sucking vampire who can read minds get hitched to a pathological liar?

Well up until I was 35 I never accepted I could read minds and just thought I was crazy with an over active imagination.

It was that year that the physical pain I had been in for over a decade finally caught up with me. I felt as if I was dead and walking around anyway. I started to notice I felt as though I had someone else driving the meat suit while I watched from within. I started picking up on what that allowed me to know.

I could truly see how people viewed me and knew exactly what they thought of me and how they felt about me.  I noticed the energizing feeling when someone’s spirit would fill me and give me the boost I needed to drag my dead ass around.

I started going back and talking to people from my past and found out all the things I wrote off as me being crazy were actually true. A dude I had known since I was 12 was a pedophile. Lisa had wished she had said yes. I found out things I had wanted to know and things I never wanted to be true.

For the next 2 years I spent most of my time saying “I do what, no one should be allowed to do that.”

After that I started honing my abilities into skills. During that time Eddy tried everything she could to discourage me and often would tell me I was crazy because if I wasn’t, she could no longer lie to me. The more I honed my abilities into skills the more it hurt to be with Eddy.

She would fantasize about other men and some of them my friends while we were making love and I could see who it was she would have rather been with. I could feel her trying to wish me dead daily while she was at work and I was at home with my son and her daughter.

I could feel how much it depressed her when she walked in the door and I was there still alive. I knew her every thought about me. She thought she owned my soul and could snuff me out.

I have never endured such emotional torture in all my life. The worst part of it all was I loved her and kept my forgiving heart and loved her anyway. Near the end she kept threatening to leave me. After she pulled this routine about a dozen times I said “Fine let’s get divorced.”

Since I was an unemployed house husband I filed for free. As we waited for the paper work to come back she asked me one night if  was going to even try to save our marriage. I remember that night clear as day as I told her “No. You kept saying you wanted this and now you are going to get it.”

The day she moved out, the people in the apartment complex noticed I seemed quite a bit happier.

Yeah, I think I can leave this tale out of the book. I don’t even want to read over this much less put in it in a book and have other people read it. It’s not that I’m ashamed, I simply have no desire to ever visit that time of my life ever again. It was after Eddy I had developed a system for ending things with people I no longer wanted in my life.

“I cut Eddy out of my life and I close the door to Eddy, and I lock the door, and I seal the door, and I bless the door. May Eddy have the healing she needs to never abuse another again.”

Ever since then I have been guarded with my heart and while I have fallen in love since, it took years before I could ever trust another woman. It was then I looked back at Priscilla and I and I decided I would have a rule where romance was considered.

A woman would have to my friend for quite a while before I would consider romance. If we both felt things heading that way after discovering we actually like just hanging out together, then we would sleep side by side. The clothes stay on and not even so much as one kiss as we slept side by side. If we woke up and looked at each other and wanted to wake up with each other on a regular, that would be when I would unleash the hopeless romantic I still am to this day at 509 years old.

Since then I have had best friends break my heart on a regular. I noticed unless I waited for them to say something, 100% rejection rate. Even as a soul sucking vampire who could easily glamour a woman into my bed, I still refuse to use that skill or make the first move.

It has nothing to do with morality and everything to do with wanting the love between us to be true and built on a solid foundation of friendship.

That and I discovered on accident that one night with me could get a woman addicted to what I do in bed. That one took a century to figure out. I was never good at celibacy and on occasion I would let some slut pick me up for a one night ride on the Solomon James orgasm express. That created a stalker or a few.

I was going to write about Doll Face, however her tale is better left untold. One of the dearest and sweetest women I ever had in my life. Perhaps that is exactly why I should put her in the book along with some of the other pure hearted angles that have graced my life with their presence.

I don’t know.

All I do know is that I have always treated women the best that I can. All I ever wanted was one I could spend my life with cherishing as a sacred goddess in my life taken human form. I have no idea how long I’m going to live, yet at 509, I barely feel as though I’ve gotten out of my teen years. Can I find a woman to live another 1500 years or so with me?

I truly don’t know, however I never stop dreaming of this faceless goddess in the flesh who can love a vampire like me and go the distance.

OK, so maybe I go into what happened to me and Doll Face tomorrow night. Maybe I talk about one of the others. Maybe I talk about something completely different. I won’t know until I sit down and start writing.

To all the women I have ever loved, please be at peace and healed and whole.