Somethings will always remain a mystery.

I try and think of all the research I have done in terms of reading and I find why I write so much. It’s all a blur because there is so much taking it in I have done since my mom taught me to read by age 4. Trying to backtrack through it all is looking back through years of time spent reading what other people wrote.

These days when I want to research something I often find it more useful to find someone to talk to who has done the research. As a Telepath I am able to understand on the emotional conceptual level that does not need a lot of detail.  I often find I make jumps in understanding that are shared in the moment with people who have studied what I have not. It’s weird being able to make leaps forward in understanding and take concepts in new directions without having to study.

Here’s why that is not an arrogant statement.

I have studied so much in so many various directions that I find while I have not studied the same details, the concepts I have explored in other ways. When you take a moment to think about all language being metaphorical, translating from one metaphor to another is something I have learned to do naturally. When engaged with someone I will typically let go and allow them to guide my words at the subconscious level to ensure they understand what I’m talking about.

In a recent video session on Skype that looked like me being told I was answering the questions in their mind without them having to ask. Instead of actively seeking, I passively receive. I work at being noninvasive and limiting what I am aware of at the conscious level unless invited in. I had to work at creating those filters. I spent nearly 4 decades seeing it anyway and seeing all any would want to hide. I call it a living nightmare. I created the filters for my own sake as much as I did it to give people some sense of privacy in their own heads.

What scares me is the others who can do it who do not apply the integrity that is part of my definition of self by choice. I will be honest, the temptation always exists to peer further than invited just because I can. I’m human.

I daydream sometimes about a school that I teach at where I teach integrity as part of managing any natural born ability. Currently people are learning in groups on Facebook from people who feed off the idea of power that goes with owning one of these groups. There are other places that are more responsible however many are being manipulated in groups on Facebook.

People like me need something formalized that has a structure to it. Right now by not acknowledging us the world allows those without integrity to do more damage daily than anyone might want to admit to.

I use my natural born abilities to continue to research life, the Universe and most things. Not everyone that has my abilities has my integrity or my dedication to being a Shaman and serving the sum of all of us equally.

The power of disbelief makes it even easier for those with my abilities to go unnoticed in their manipulations of those around them. In studying, I never found much research that was real when it comes to people like me.

If anyone would like to fund that research please hit me up.

If anyone would like to fund that school, please hit  me up.

If you’re really bored and want someone interesting to talk to, hit me up and let’s see how the first 5 minutes go.

It is the second most powerful thing in the universe. Disbelief makes one even easier to manipulate. Here’s why.

The lie is too pretty to not be true and the truth is often so ugly we fear it. We choose ignorance for the bliss it provides instead of facing the ugly truth and feeling the need to do something about it and then feeling powerless when more often than not there is nothing we can do. No one likes feeling powerless to do something about something they feel strongly about.

We are quick to disbelieve what one might be capable of for a variety of reasons however I find the tie for number one is because either we can’t see ourselves doing it or and some times even worse, we can see ourselves doing it, whatever the it is. The things that terrify me the most are the things I know I am capable of. I have lived my entire life being able to see your life through your memories and experience as you. I have relived every kind of horror you never want to think about much less maybe admit to living through. Things you may have had to do that you wish you could forget or even worse you miss them.

We don’t want to believe some things because it makes the world a lot scarier. We begin to feel smaller and less significant. We feel powerless.

My first mother in law had this cross stitch on her fridge that read “Faith is not faith until it is all you are holding onto.”

Thanks Linda.

That quote got me through a lot of tough times in life. These days I have come to see faith from a different view. I have had blind faith and I have had false faith and I have lived true faith that has been rewarded.

What is faith really?

I have an usual set of skills that put my faith to the test with every word that passes trough my lips. Try to imagine letting someone speak on your behalf as you. If you’re having trouble, I get it. Now take a moment and realize it makes it that much easier for me to channel and no one notices.

When I channel face to face I can believe it’s hard to believe what’s happening. I question my mental health daily and some days hourly. Crazy people don’t know they are crazy.

Our race is evolving at the genetic level and that’s why I can do all the stuff I can do that people have hard believing. I may be a servant of God as a Shaman however it is not a requirement to be an Empath or a Telepath or a Medium and these are genetic traits not spiritual bonds or gifts that are in accordance with prophecy, it’s evolution.

If you are out there and you need help learning to manage a genetic trait that has you feeling like no one will understand, please hit me up.

I live and breathe to help others like myself come to terms with it and learn how to manage it. I never ask for a thing for that work. That’s my passion work.

My other passion is story telling. I have a list of projects that include a graphic novel I need an artist for, a script I need 6 weeks alone in the middle of no where to write, a cartoon I need a co-writer who is emotionally 12 to help me flush out and a few fictional books I need solitude for to write.  I have one autobiography to write that I can’t stand writing.

I love the art of writing fiction.

I love blog writing.

I hate writing an entire book about me.

I love editing scripts. I have been doing that for Pete Conrad at Suicidal Flower Productions for a few years. Back in the day when I was writing under the name The Movie Whore I did a lot of free script work for a lot of independent no budget film makers. It is passion work I dearly miss.

I happen to be a Shaman and I just happen to be able to do all this weird shit but in my heart I am a creative producer always looking for a new project to get going and hand off to someone else to do something with.

Synergy is two more more coming together to produce more than any one can produce alone. In concept anyway.

I live for creative synergy in life.

I live for learning and growth synergy in life.

I live for synergy in life.

Believe it or not.

The nickname I use with my son is The Dude. It has nothing to do with the film The Big Lebowski. It’s a behavioral tool. Here’s how I use it.

There are a list of behaviors that go with being The Dude.

Say please and thank you.

Work at being a friend to everyone.

Treat everyone with respect.

Be honest even if it will get you in trouble.

And various other things most would agree is good behavior for getting along with other people. At age 4 I started doing this with my son. He is 12 right now. I have never had to punish him. When he has acted up or out as any child and adult will. I ask him if that was being The Dude?

We go over what it means to be The Dude and then he goes back off. We have a two minute conversation where he understands why what he did was not appropriate and what better behavior looks like. He understands it’s OK and that he is allowed make mistakes, just don’t make it a habit. The longer conversations are to help him understand why and what impact his behavior made.

Today when I talked to my son he asked me about meditation for the first time. It is a very cool thing for a father like me to be able to teach my son the things I teach other people. He had already been on Youtube and watched a few videos on the subject. We had a great conversation about it.

I have discovered more of what I understand about life the universe and most things in explaining it to him in a way he can understand than I have from any other human interaction. It’s why I say if you can’t explain it to a child you don’t understand it at all.

The things I can’t explain to my son are the things I still don’t understand. My son has a higher level empathic sensitivity like me. He’s hitting that age where puberty kicks in and the sensitivity goes through the roof. I didn’t have anyone to explain it to me or teach me how to manage it better when I was his age. I never realized I am an Empath until I was 37. I am 42 right now.

I have recently retired from certain aspects of my Shaman’s walk. The Dude has everything to do with that. With how I operate in my trance state and what happens in operation it makes it difficult at best to not need a lot of solitude to recover from the soul healing or soul retrieval work I have done for more than 2 decades.

That doesn’t work very well with being a father.

Those who can’t do, teach.

I still have all the understanding to teach any who is willing to do the work to learn. I still have the skills that allowed me to do that work and now have the opportunity to use those skills in other areas.

It’s a major life change for me and one I am happy to make.

The best part of my life is being The Dude’s Dad and this change in my life has everything to do with that.

Unity is difficult at best to maintain in this world as it is right now.

All healing is self healing, though we at times can facilitate the healing of others who do not accept their power to heal themselves.

The last question I ask myself before I do anything is why the fuck not?

Here’s why.

Unity means unifying out of the lower vibration of duality. There is no light/dark there is only existence. One unifies both feminine and masculine energies within and ignores ones plumbing unless sex is what one seeks.

I like to think of it as the silver line in between the light and dark that binds them together. Notice I used the word “think” and I do that as this is my personal metaphor or my way of describing it to myself, understanding all will see it somewhat differently. I think of the yin yang symbol and the sliver line down the middle.

Play the what if game with me for a moment.

What if on the other side of the black hole at the center of the universe is a white hole in a photo negative universe?

What if gravity creates a mirror that gives off the illusion that anything exists on the other side?

If you feel the need to argue first instead of allow your mind to explore, ask yourself why?

Are you placing faith in the experience of others blindly?

I have had numerous astral experiences to bring these questions to my mind. I live in a waking state of astral travel. It’s not as cool as it sounds.

You have not had those same experiences. The natural question is do you trust me and that I speak the truth. Accept or deny based on what you believe is possible.

When one is in unity one seeks for the wisest response and quiets the reaction.

One thinks about the impact one might make in the choice of response.

One allows oneself to be aware of the impact one might make by saying nothing.

One is aware of the possible impact of one’s presence regardless of location.

In unity one is a human first and foremost and is interacting with other humans and sees the human value of the impact each and every human might make in our lives.  In unity one forsakes gender, one sacrifices cultural history, one is blind to skin color.

One is Pro Human in how they view life the universe and most things.

When one is working at living in unity in a world that is still largely locked in duality it can be difficult for one to resist the pull down into the lower vibration. When one does not one naturally finds oneself in solitude unless other ones who are working to live in unity are present.

The shift of consciousness is about taking responsibility for the awareness of the possible impact one can make in all things. In unity one is more likely to make a healthy impact in all things. In duality one is certain to make an unhealthy impact in most things.

Segregation for any reason is not healthy. The idea that one group of humans is more important than any other group of humans is childish at best. Learning to live now means letting go of all of the past and building with what is here now.

I wrote this article that I am going to sum up right now and take in slightly different direction. Psychospirilosophy and The Idea of Self Emotional Healing

I said recently that I like to use even my own work as a jumping off point.

Each of us has the power to heal ourselves from anything. I am living proof of that in changing my skeleton and making my short leg the same length as the other one and taking an over sized hip and making it the same size. I am not so unique that I am the only one that could do this for themselves. Any of us could. All have the capability.

What it takes to tap into that is to own it. We often seek an external mechanism to allow ourselves to use our healing power to heal ourselves. For some reason the idea of someone doing it for us seems to be the easiest thing to accept. It goes back to the question of who am I to be so powerful as to heal myself?

It’s why Aliester Crowley called the magician evil. It’s all a trick of the mind to unleash your healing power and those skilled in the arts who discover this have been known to use it to feed off the supposed healing of others. Not all who are skilled discover this.

I used to think I could emotionally heal someone and I was wrong as is pointed out in the article above. The best I can do for anyone is give them an emotional reset and clear and balance and activate their Chakras, what they do with it after that is up to them. What I do lasts for a couple days and could leave them feeling as though they had been healed.

I could easily sell it as that and make bank.

I am not that Shaman.

When it comes to emotional healing it is how you view the event and the participants in it that determines a healthy or unhealthy view and whether or not healing has truly taken place. Anything that is not that is an attempt to stop a sucking chest wound with a Hello Kitty band aid. Even those who have claimed I gave healed them of physical ailments, I merely acted as the mechanism for them to do it themselves by believing it was me.

It takes a tremendous amount of unlearning and then relearning to tap into this. Most of it you teach yourself. Here is my Reiki starter system and how and why it works. Reiki, Mediatation and Holographic Universe and the Psychospirilosophy view

I have been giving this away for a long time. I am always happy to give Reiki lessons by donation, no donation required or asked for.

Why the fuck not?

It’s not that I’m not aware I can take my understanding and use it to pimp the ignorant for $500 – $1500 or more an hour.

Pro Human.

All humans before me are equal.

It’s why I will never work the festival circuit. I don’t need anyone to pay the price of admission to learn how to do it themselves from me. It’s why most of my sessions are a few emails and maybe one full session. Sometimes it’s just a couple emails and they have all I have to teach them.

Why the fuck not live as a Shaman instead of trying to sell it.

That’s the challenge of the Shaman’s path. No real days off and you never go anywhere that people would have to pay admission to find you. You don’t dictate to the universe who the students that will fall in your path will be or the hoops they will have to jump through in some sort of sick game. You take them as they come and as the opportunities to teach arise you plant a seed and let them be. When you see they want to heal themselves and will do the work to stay healthy, you assist them in healing themselves. It’s a good idea people know where to find you so having a semi stationary location is better for them in order to be able to find you again if needed or wanted.

A Shaman is one who cares for their community. A healer goes on the road because they see no value in the Shaman/s in other communities. Nor does the community see value in their Shaman/s.

Think global, act local.

Why the fuck not?

I spend most of my time in solitude.

The Druids keep causing an inner conflict over books I’ve written and one I’m writing.

Faith isn’t faith until it’s been broken apart and rebuilt.

Here’s why.

Having the natural ability to walk all realities and all spiritual realms makes staying focused in this one with anyone for a length of time challenging. It takes a lot more focus and work for me to lower my vibration in order to meet people at their vibration than I can explain. It’s not better or worse or superior this and that it’s simply living at a higher vibration and state of awareness. Total awareness is not cool and is a pain in the ass to manage.

There is this myth out there that if you have mastered yourself you never reveal it. Who came up with this childish bullshit?

In my mind that’s how you know who to go to and can trust you will get the guidance you need. Without them identifying who they are and where they can be found people rely on just bumping into them outside of a club on a Friday night wondering why they came there. I have been that guy at that bar one night who said something once that changed someones life for a couple of decades.

Why should I have to hide that this is what my life is or feel ashamed about it or talking about it?

Why is it considered wrong to acknowledge the facts of my own existence?

Why is it I cannot be as I say I am?

Solitude.

I have spent a lot of time in solitude examining this issue in between experiences looking for new revelations or enlightenments. The potential to learn never leaves no matter how much one has come to understand.  We make the most growth and vibrate higher when in solitude than any other time because it’s the only time we never hold back anything or are distracted by anything.

I have had friends and family comment on how heavy my presence can feel.  In solitude is the only time I can relax and not be focused on holding back so everyone else is comfortable.

In solitude I don’t have to worry about what I am saying and observing pissing anyone off just because it happens to true. In solitude is where I examine if I am full of shit or not before I ever decide to speak on a topic.

In solitude is where the most work gets done in the evaluation process of new information and new experiences based on the now you are in.

I like my solitude because most people who would tell you they would like to meet someone like me, they hate it and me when they do.

Some of the greatest lessons we learn are from why we even let something upset us?

What if the test is accepting the teacher who shows up not the one you think should show up?

I’ve explored this a lot in solitude with the ability to channel guidance directly from the Universal consciousness or what some might call God.

It has no real definition that we can relate to other than a hive mind that is infinite and is made of all minds.

It’s like asking all of existence the question and the answer channels through my mouth but is not me talking.

We all can have these kinds of conversations with God with our inner connection to our higher self that acts like the translator between us and God and could be seen as the holy spirit or any number of gateway spiritual connections described in many different religious and dogmatic texts.

Instead of getting the individual representation most get where they connect to the higher self the added kicker for me is that I was born in this state. For me the behavior and understanding to achieve and maintain this state is instinctual from birth.

The number one thing all people who exist in this awakened state comment on is how hard it is to be in crowds feeling the lower vibration pulling them down. This is the herd mentality being applied to levels of awareness as well as intelligence. The group think and large group experience is the worst thing you could do to raise or maintain your vibration.

Solitude is the best for raising and maintaining your vibration. One on one is easier and more than two is when it becomes a drain. People are assisted in lifting themselves up in one on one intimate and private moments and are left out in large groups. The larger the group the more who lift and are not lifted.

The Druids wrote shit down on leaves. I have been told I was a Druid in a past life and as I type this I can connect to foggy memories of understanding. Leaves were used to make sure things were updated as new experience was had and never leave the people trapped to a singular view.

This is why I hate myself for The Book of Khaos Majick and Psychospirilosophy The Martial Art of thought. I have often said I will always blog because I look at even my own material as a jumping off point for further exploration. I wrote these two books to give myself a structure for that exploration I understood and felt good about. I would always wish that people view what I write and what I have to say the same way. A jumping off point for further exploration.

Call bullshit if you think you can.

Once in a great while someone does trip me up. Even with having the understanding to write those two books and the study of history to create inner conflict over it, you can bet your sweet ass I agonized over every word as I wrote it as I am doing now writing Khaos Shamanism based on the two other books and practical experience as it has been had in my life. It’s not going to show anyone “thee” way, it is a look at a way the concepts of both books can be applied and I expect your experience to be as individual as you are and please don’t follow me or start any cults.

We can all laugh at that.

Even as I was writing the other two books and as I’m writing this one I see the potential for that and I want to be crystal clear on the fact that I have zero interest in having my own cult or some crazy bullshit like that. I merely wanted to give people a view of how to apply Shamanism in life without being a Shaman or having to take the dangerous journey to become one. Every Shaman’s journey is unique to the individual as it is the life they lead that brings those who need healing to them whether they know it or not sometimes. The greatest challenge of the Shamanic life is when they don’t see how sick they are. Even worse is when they do and prefer to stay sick.

To walk the Shaman’s path the idea of faith itself becomes something that you destroy and recreate in various forms until you remember what faith is in the first place. Faith is holding on to that one thing that always brings a calm to the storm. When you master the faith you have in yourself you have mastered the faith God has in you.

God has faith in us to be we who are in our core that we are afraid to show or God wouldn’t be in there pushing us from the inside to bring it out more often. God can and does speak through all of us because you try telling God no and see what happens. God will always be found within you telling you that you can and will speak through others who agree as needed not wanted.

Faith is having faith it will happen when it needs to so you never go seeking it. Faith built on experience is often a journey through hell only to find what was there all along was in you. Seeing when things seemed to mysteriously line up one way or the other based on who and what you let influence your decision. Having faith in yourself to be able to divine your path based your inner relationship with God,

God is infinite and can take any form. It’s for the most part why every one is right and wrong to a certain extent. God will take on the attributes you apply to God and play along to a certain extent. Never apply the idea of humanness to something as incomprehensible as God. We are human and God resides within all things however not all of God is human or even has a form, God transcends the idea of gender or identity and is a slave to keeping existence going. Having faith is what allows me to put this out for anyone to see as a jumping off point.

It’s how God explained it to me.

Explaining it here instead of book simply feels better.

Who knows how many and who will read this?

I do it this way because it helps me to put pressure on myself to make sure I am not misleading any or full of shit in anyway and that I did do the appropriate homework and life experience and extra time in study and living life research or I wouldn’t have let it come out.

Or to say I am not seeking validation or argument, however further exploration is always welcomed.

Go within and see what happens.

Have a blessed journey and find the truth not what you seek.

If there is anything I preach it’s Individualistic Humanism. I do not follow the crowd and often go in the opposite direction of anything popular. Here’s why.

It’s called the herd mentality. The larger the group of people the more everyone is made as dumb as the dumbest person in the crowd for as long as you stay in that crowd. That’s how much of an impact being in a crowd has on you. It lowers your intellect and your awareness to the lower end of what is present within the crowd.

It’s a fact of life that the number of people with a truly lower intellect outnumber those with a higher intellect. Simple fact that answers the question how something so stupid could become so popular.

I share a lot of the music I’m listening to on Twitter. Here are some of the hashtags I use instead of the popular ones to go with the music I am sharing out.

#SundayService

I always share the music I am listening to out of The Church Of Rock N Roll master playlist on Spotify. I have this circle of friends who share what they are listening to. On Sundays its always got some hidden meaning in the songs I post up.

#MandatoryMonday

These are songs I call standards. They are the songs you hear that you know someone had to write it and it just happened to be whoever did. Songs that make you ask where would music in my life be with out this one.

#SatanicSaturday

Every song I can find with a Devil theme.

#SexySaturday

Songs with a sex theme.

#WhyNotWednesday

This is where I share out songs such as Ice Ice Baby and Fire Water Burn.

The point here is to show you can make up any hashtag you’re feeling that day and let it go and let it flow and let the Universe fill in the rest.

You never stick out by following the crowd.

Twitter is how I relax and do my favorite thing, talking music with my friends and occasionally dropping a little wisdom on the side.

If you have to organize fun and follow rules, it’s not fun, it’s work. I do share out what I write here on Twitter and post up links to my books nearly daily. I daily post up the pages up top there. Most of my tweeting however is between me and my friends and is all about the music we are listening to in the now.

This goofing off led to me writing the lyrics for a song called Smokin’ by a band called Swilly.

Quick history lesson.

I used to the same thing with movies several years ago and I have two films with credits as a Producer. I am currently attached to a film as a Producer.

I am just getting started with music.

I just happen to be a Shaman. My passion and dream has always been to be a Creative Producer in indy film and have a music thing going on the side.

I wrote The Devil’s Children with a series for TV and a series of films and spin offs in mind. It’s how I think. That’s how passionate and obsessed with making movies I am. Even my Plan B is still just a revision of Plan A.

Read the services page above and think film or music. If you haven’t had the chance, buy your copy of The Devil’s Children The Silver Bard: In the Beginning. 

This is what it looks like when you do it your way or no way at all. It can take a while to get there, but you’re always moving forward and taking rest when you need it, but never quitting. It just happens to be my life.

Have a great week from your friendly neighborhood Rock N Roll Shaman.

I am working on my autobiography today and hit a story that I wanted to share with you here.

April 19th 1995 is a date I will never forget. That was the day of the Oklahoma City bombing. There are several reasons I will never forget that day and the first one is Kartney Koch-McCraven.

Kartney worked up stairs from us in the building we shared with their work center. Kartney lived in the dorms at the opposite side from me. I used to ride with Kartney to work. Kartney was one of the sweetest women I ever knew. The air changed when she walked in the room. It just felt better.

The weekend before the bombing Kartney married Shane. Shane I met in tech school just before I left. We both got sent to the 22nd Combat Communications Squadron. When it closed we both got sent to the 32nd Combat Communications Squadron. If he was Jack Lemmon, I was Walter Mathau in this odd couple. We tried to be friends, however we never could figure it out. Shane was a good guy, he just came from another world. He had been raised by Marines and still wasn’t overly happy about being in the Air Force. That said, if you had Shane on your crew, you never had to worry about him dropping the ball and he might end up covering your ass.

They got married the weekend before the bombing and based on what they found of Kartney, she was walking right by the truck when it blew. She had gone down to change over her social security card to her married name.

I had married my first wife 12 days earlier on the 7th of April.

I was home on leave when it happened.

My first wife worked on base and still had to go to work while I was taking two weeks off. I was being sent to Panama in May and wanted to have a couple weeks with my wife before I left. I was stunned that day when I turned on the TV while my wife took a shower. I called into the base to see if I was being pulled off leave. I was told the base was on lockdown and to stay home.

A few of the guys in my shop knew Kartney was heading down there and headed downtown to try and find her. During the course of the search for survivor the 3rd Combat Communications Group provided tents and cots for the workers and aided in security.

At the memorial service for Kartney the day before I left for Panama there was nowhere left to even stand. Not only did we fill all 1,000 seats there were hundreds more standing. It’s been more than 22 years. It took 15 for me to not notice when April 19th was coming on the calendar.

Can we take day off from all the violence around the world for one day please and thank you.

How to sum up my mother.

When I was a kid, one year for Christmas my dad bought my mom a night shirt that read “Spoiled Rotten Bitch.”

It was her favorite night shirt of all time.

My mother has called me a Son of a Bitch so frequently I tell people I wear that name as a badge of honor to honor my mother.

When I told her this her response was “You damn well better.”

This could be why I love the song Hair of the Dog by Nazareth.

“Now you’re messin’ with a Son of a bitch.”

Do you see how I seemed to have no other choice but to become The Rock N Roll Shaman?

I love my Mom. We don’t always get along. She is still a devote Christian who reads her bible regularly and is still not convinced I am not possessed by Satan, though she has stopped trying to cast him out of me.

If you have never dealt with a Hungarian woman, let me put it this way. If I was going to be scared of anyone, it would be my mom and she doesn’t scare me because I am her baby boy.

As much as I try to be a grown ass man, my mother will never stop seeing the baby boy. How many other sons have this problem?

My mother is also a very strong Empath and it’s where I get it from while my dad is the Medium and Telepath that I get those skills from. For me it means I am sensitive to every kind of energy and its all my parents fault. haha

My mom is also very intelligent, both parents are, however they are a product of their upbringing and societal programming that their generation was subjected to. Hence why we argue far too frequently. At times it feels like I am raising them and in some ways always has.

My mom is about the only one I make at least some effort with to not say “fuck” around her. The rest of I will say “fuck” no matter who you think you are. A lesson on of my Aunts learned the hard way after trying to chastise me on Facebook a few years ago. Here’s why.

I have authority issues and refuse to allow anyone to think they have any authority over me.

The first time my parents saw me after I left in 1992 for Air Force basic training, they realized that I understood that legally they could never tell me what to do again. They understood I would do as I pleased with my life regardless of what they thought or how they felt.

This happened in part after watching my mother not give a flying fuck about what her sisters thought and doing it her way anyway. She has 4 older sisters who still try to run her life and still see her as the baby of the family. No one ever gave my mother credit for her mind. The greatest crime my mothers life has seen.

This woman who really does not like the word fuck is the same woman who taught me this trick.

She stuck her hands out in front of her and wiggled her fingers and asked “Do you know what this is?”

Then she flipped me off with both hands and said “A whole flock of these.” I was 12.

That’s the easiest way to sum my mom. I love her.

A few years ago I came one good hard push on a dagger away from ending my life. In fact I stood in my living room with a 14″ dagger on 3 separate occasions ready to kill myself. Here’s what stopped me.

When I awoke to the fact I am an Empath, Telepath and a Medium, I started talking about it and telling people.

I lost every close friend I had save one who was on the other side of the country. My 3rd wife who is also an Empath became abusive because she lied about her being and thought I should too. My parents decided I was under the influence of Satan. My 2nd wife used it to try and take my son out of my care. She lost that court battle.

That was the first of 3 shrinks I saw who have all given me a clean bill of mental health.

The ridicule of being told I was crazy or full of shit or that my X-Men powers are something people should run away from led to me wanting to kill myself.

What stopped me each time was 3 songs that became anthems in my life.

Freak Like Me by Halestorm.

Thank you Lizzy Hale for writing that one even though you had no idea who would grab on to it as a song of hope. Many of us have been made to feel as though we should be freaks locked up in the basement hidden from the world.

We Are The Others by Delain.

Thank you Charlotte Wessels for writing another song you had no idea would become a song of hope for a bunch of people who felt and often still feel like others and are made to feel as they don’t belong.

Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

Thank you Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta because I and so many others were simply born this way and deserve the same respect and acceptance as any human being. Again we were not the ones the song was being sung about however it became a song of hope and inspiration for us.

The kind of ridicule and abuse people such as myself have taken and at times still take led to me wanting to end my life and has done the same for countless others.

For me after the 3rd time, I made a promise to myself to never think about suicide ever again. As a symbolic gesture of this, I took the dagger I was going thrust into my heart and wrapped it up in a towel and threw it in a dumpster.

I haven’t felt suicidal since no matter how much ridicule and abuse I have taken in the last 3 years since.

#Halestorm

#Delain

#LadyGaga

The other day a friend of mine asked me if I noticed anything weird. I had to ask him his definition of weird. Here’s why.

I find myself a rarity in some of the things I have done and witnessed and people I have known. How many people do you know that were born with a short leg and lived with it for 39 years and at age 42 both legs are the same length and the over sized hip I was born with matches the other one now. A miracle in the eyes of some and a total defiance of everything science and modern medicine thinks it knows.

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

It was over a decade ago when I was going through some physical therapy after a car accident and they put me one of those industrial electro-stimulation units. The man running the machine had to set it beyond the danger settings before I could feel anything. I remember he commented that he had never seen anyone with such a high pain tolerance in his life. He said on a 1-10 scale my 8 would be off most peoples scales. My 10 would kill most people.

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

While I was undergoing the internal metamorphosis of making my skeleton symmetrical my pain went to 11 on my 1-10 scale and stayed there for over a year. Prior to that I had been living with my daily pain hitting 10 and I often woke up to an 8. The short leg and over-sized hip coupled with several back injuries had left my body twisted and broken. I had a limp and could barely stand to be on my feet for longer than 15 minutes. During the process I felt as though I was the walking dead. My head was never clear as the pain never ceased.

It’s been more than 2 years and on occasion I stick my legs out in front of me to make sure it wasn’t all a dream.

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

Frequently in my life I have the following happen.

I am sitting around and I feel this need to go somewhere and I am filled with a feeling and I go that place and I run into some one and have a conversation. At some point they say “I’ve been praying/wishing/hoping/wanting for someone to talk to about this.”

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

I frequently freak out my friends when I hit them up out of no where asking them what’s wrong and something is.

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

I have had men and women alike approach me claiming to be a variety of deities and creatures from mythology.

To date I was hired and fired in the same week by a man claiming to be a Genie.

I had the Goddess Isis in the form of a French woman tell me my soul had been spread across the globe and she was going to bring it back together and bring me back to life with a magic blowjob.

I had Loki show up my doorstep in the form of a young man who had been abusing too many drugs.

I had a phone call with the Universes Super Being in the form of an inventor in New York.

I had a self proclaimed Demon Slayer sitting in my living room once.

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

I have people hit me up from across the world to get my advice in dealing with psychic attacks and developing their intuitive skills. I have people hit me from across the world telling me they don’t know why they are contacting me they just feel drawn to me for some reason.

What do think you got that is weirder than that?

I channel Archangels and the higher-selves of the rest of you.

What do think you got that’s weirder than that?

Realize there is metric fuck ton of much weirder shit I left out.

I hope all of who read this realize there is nothing weird in your life that is going to be weirder than anything I have seen or live with daily.

If you think no one else is going to understand, give your friendly neighborhood Rock ‘N’ Roll Shaman a shot at it. I am willing to bet I can help you feel less weird about whatever it is and help you make sense of it.

No, it has nothing to do with Motley Crue’s GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS, though it’s a rockin’ tune and one that every stripper should dance to at least once.

Rock ‘N’ Roll Shaman people, get used to it.

On July 4th 1993 I went into the Inner Room in Cocoa Beach Fla. I was 18 and turned 19 that September and left for Oklahoma in October. Patrick Air Force Base was my first duty station after Basic training and Technical School.

From July to October after the Air Force had created the Airman they needed me to be, the woman of The Inner Room taught me everything about what it means to be a man women want to be around.

They also taught me at age 18 how to look at half naked women in the eyes while talking to them.

These women were some of the strongest most courageous and wise women I have ever known.

It takes courage to do what they do for a living.

It takes an inner strength and knowing it’s there to do what they do for a living.

They spend as much time playing therapist as a bartender or a cab driver or a Taltos.

I truly adore strong wise women. When I say adore I mean revere.

Most of what I have learned thus far about life has been from the women who have taught me. Currently my favorite band is Halestorm and Lizzy throws down some wise lyrics in some of her tunes.

It takes strength and courage to lead the life to write those songs.

Over the years when I feel lost, I seem to always find my way into a strip club. Whoever the dancer is that sits down more often than not gets coached on how she can do it even better and how I know she’s pretending to like me so she can drop the act, I am going to buy a dance. However I am going talk for a bit first.

Over the years there have been one or two I should have dated. Honestly I couldn’t give a good reason other than stupidity as to why I didn’t.

One of the few things that pisses me off in life is when people feel as though they can look down at dancers. I choose my words carefully.

I have a certain reverence for the women who can do that job and put up with everything that comes with it, including people who talk shit about them and their profession.

I have found in life that I no longer get angry for myself. I am at peace with where I am and how I got here. I find the only time I am tempted to allow myself to become annoyed and then irritated and eventually if it continues angry and nothing should ever piss me off.

I have worked my entire life to be exceedingly patient. I found for me that the opposite of patience is wrath. When it doesn’t happen right now we get angry as if somehow that will make it happen faster.

Despite all my rage I’m still just a rat in a cage

A lyric from the Smashing Pumpkins that rings all too true in life. I find for me the process that works is to spiral until it’s funny.

The spiral goes outward.

I give my self a chance to understand the personal feeling I am attaching to a situation or event.

I give myself a chance to feel it.

Then I back out of it in a spiral outwards looking inward at myself. One of my skills allows me to get an emotional sense of what anyone else at random would feel if it was them. I think about as if I was advising someone else who was dealing with the same thing, what would I tell them.

When I am able to see the event as a punchline to the cosmic joke that is life, I am good.

That’s my way of saying sometimes it should hurt to be you in the situation you are in however once you can laugh about it, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Before you can laugh about it, you have to become at peace with it and accepting of it and what it is versus what it looks like.

It takes a patient mind to explore ones experiences and understand ones self and to explore the layers of a situation instead of reacting due to a lack of information.

A patient mind reaps the greatest reward.

The greatest reward is one that makes an impact. 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is understand some people are stupid and do and say stupid things and nothing you are going to do is going to change that so you walk away and remind yourself who you are.

Even harder than that is when smart people say and do the same stupid things.

In patience one can reap the reward of laughter later if one does not allow oneself to become angry.

Laughter is the best medicine so laugh at thyself to heal thyself.

Realize you have the strength to bare your soul at anytime to anyone, it’s the courage that it takes to say “Fuck it I am scared but I’m doin’ it anyway” that reveals that strength.

Anyone who exhibits courage has earned respect.

They respected themselves enough to not let fear get in their way.

They found their strength to be who they are and get through whatever it was they had to go through or are going through.

Most of what I have done in life is help women repair themselves after shitty relationships.

Domestic/Emotional Abuse is my charity work that I have been doing for years and don’t talk about the couple hundred women I helped over the last few years.

I feel bad talking about it as if talking about it means I am looking for credit. It’s simply who I am and I can’t imagine not doing it.

I feel that way about a lot of things I am doing these days and about who I am loving life as.

I guess I mention that charity work to remind myself that I don’t do what I do for the money even though the world we we live in revolves around it.

I put it there to remind myself it takes a special human to do what I do and there is no shame or arrogance in reminding myself of the decent human being I am.

We all need that sometimes.

When you can give it to yourself, you’ve mastered you.